Porcelain Heart
by SweetSinger2010
Summary: Alice turned around to peer at Edward. Something in him had snapped. Something vital. A snarl ripped from his throat. He glared at his sister, black eyes glittering with rage. "You have no idea of what it is like to live like this."


_Author's Note: So, this fic ended up being much longer than I thought it would be. Oops. But I'm happy with it, overall, and it eased the frustration that I'm feeling over being stalled out on my other Twilight story, Stars. (You should go check it out!) Anyway, this is just a humble one-shot, and I hope you enjoy it! By the way, if I owned anything of Twilight, I'd be publishing my stories in books, and not on web pages. How's that for a disclaimer?_

Porcelain Heart

It was early October. The weather in Alaska suited Edward perfectly; it was bleak and cold, just like his life at present.

It had been three weeks—three sickeningly long weeks—since the Cullens had left forks; three weeks since Edward had been able to hold his livelihood in his arms, to kiss her soft lips, to look into her chocolate eyes, to hear her precious heart beat, to feel his icy skin warm in her tender embrace. Three weeks since he'd been able to smell her incredible, _intoxicating_ scent, to hear her lovely voice calling his name in her sleep.

_Edward._

He winced at the memory, pain cutting deeply into the core of his being. But he didn't stop himself from remembering her, from thinking about her. He felt that he'd _more_ than earned that degree of torture.

_Edward Cullen._

He could imagine her scolding, stern. The pain was almost crippling. He balled his hands into fists, the tendons in his pale arms standing out.

_Edward._

And her memory-voice was far more gentle and loving this time. He relaxed, just the tiniest bit.

_Edward, you can't keep doing this. Just look at your family. They __**love**__ you, Edward. Your pain is theirs, too. _

Edward shook his head. How ridiculous it was to imagine that she was speaking to him. But he lifted his eyes from the place he'd taken up in the farthest corner of the room and looked—really _looked_—at his family for the first time in days.

Currently, all of the Cullens were in Alaska visiting Tanya and her family. Tanya had been kind enough to let them stay in a spacious guest-house at the back of her property. Except for Emmett and Rosalie who'd gone hunting, that's where the Cullens were now, spending a quiet afternoon.

Alice and Jasper were snuggled close together on the sofa, watching some old movie on television. Carlisle and Esme were sitting at the kitchen table, looking over some blueprints that she had drawn.

They all _looked_ happy and content, but Edward knew better. Also for the first time in days, he tuned in to the constant hum in his mind that was the echo of each of theirs. He'd quit listening weeks ago, because all of their thoughts—ranging from compassion and pity, to hostility and accusation, to thoughts and memories of Bella Swan—had grown unbearable. Now, though, there was nothing to irk him. Their minds were relatively quiet. Esme's thoughts were the only thoughts to turn toward Edward.

She glanced at him over her shoulder and shuddered, for the thousandth time, at his surly expression. Inwardly, Edward cringed. Though he was sure that there existed no pain in the world as intense as his, he still hated to be the cause of Esme's distress.

_Oh, how I ache for him. _

She turned back to Carlisle, golden eyes beseeching. "Isn't there anything we can do for him?" Her voice was soft and mournful.

Carlisle reached out to stroke his lovely wife's cheek. "I'm afraid not, love." She took his hand and they turned together to gaze at their oldest son. He didn't notice. Carlisle and Esme's short conversation had cranked up Alice's whirlwind mind. Edward scowled.

Alice had been dejected for days after the Cullens pulled out of Forks. Bella was her best friend, and Edward her favorite brother. Neither of them was doing very well without the other. Alice's lower lip stuck out in a pouty gesture. She couldn't see whether the situation was going to be happily resolved any time soon. Edward was just being _so_ stubborn about going back to Forks, and to Bella…

_I __**saw**__ that she was going to become one of us. I saw it! I saw them both, happy together forever. And __**now**__! I don't think he'd consider touching her with a ten-foot pole. 'For Bella's own good.' _

Alice snorted. Edward hissed at her from his corner of the room, but she didn't hear him.

_I miss Bella, and I know Edward does, too. But I don't see him returning to her! He's awfully stubborn. Hmm. I know he's more miserable than the rest of us can understand, but I wonder whether it's possible that we've all misjudged the depth of his affection for her. Surely, he would have gone back by now…_

Part of Alice's mind continued on its track, but the other part processed a split-second vision. Her eyes bulged wide. She turned around, ever so slowly, to peer at Edward over the back of the couch.

He'd stopped listening to her thoughts. He jumped to his feet, unaware of why he was even doing so. He was seeing a thick haze of red. Something in him had snapped. Something vital. A snarl ripped from his throat.

"Would you care to run that by me again, Alice?" He spoke deliberately, his voice low, deadly. Acid dripped from every word.

Esme gasped. "What in the _world_?"

Edward ignored her. He still held Alice's horrified gaze. "Say it," he spat at her. "Out loud. Say it. Tell the rest of them what you were thinking."

She shook her head. "Edward, I—"

"Edward," Carlisle stepped in smoothly, "I'm sure Alice didn't mean anything by it, whatever it was."

"I didn't, really," Alice said, almost pleadingly. "If you'd listened to the rest, you would've known that I didn't mean it."

Edward continued to stare her down. Jasper glared at him, shifting over Alice protectively.

"Cool it," he warned darkly. "We don't need a fight."

The tension in the room was very tangible. Even Carlisle was uneasy. Edward and Alice never broke eye contact as they carried on a silent conversation. His eyes narrowed into slits. Finally, Alice's shoulders slumped in defeat. She spoke in a small voice.

"Edward thinks that _I_ think—that I was _suggesting_—"

"That I don't love Bella enough to go back to her." He finished the sentence for her, his voice dead and flat.

"It was just an idle thought. If you'd kept listening, you would've known that," she murmured, ashamed. "I know how you really feel about her."

"Of course," Esme chimed in soothingly, her eyes dartingly nervously between Edward and Alice. "We all do."

Edward pursed his lips, and raised a critical eyebrow, daring anyone else to make a remark. The air was thick. Jasper washed the room in a wave of calm.

Which was promptly shattered when Edward responded to something that flashed through Alice's mind.

_She stared at both of them blankly for a long moment before shoving back from the kitchen table and running upstairs. She slammed her bedroom door so hard that the glass panes in her window quivered. She tossed a duffel bag onto her bed and began throwing clothes into it aggressively. She stopped suddenly, listening to a voice on the other side of the door. She seemed to consider the words, and then her face flushed pink with rage. "No!" She screamed, tears welling in her eyes. "No, no__** NO**__!" She picked up her bag and hurled it against the opposite wall. "I won't go! You can't make me! I'm staying right __**here**__, in __**FORKS**__!" She collapsed on her bed then and sobbed harshly into her pillow. "I'm staying right here…"_

"_No_!" Edward roared, his eyes intense with fury. "_Leave Bella alone!_" He choked on her name. Suddenly, he and Alice were standing inches apart in the center of the room. When they'd moved from their former places, he couldn't say.

"I wasn't _looking_ for her, Edward, I swear!" Her tiny hands balled up into fists at her sides. "But that doesn't mean that I don't _see_!" She pled with him fervently. "Won't you go back? Please? No good has come of this; you must know that by now! And we're _all_ unhappy without Bella."

"_You're_ unhappy without her?" He snarled through clenched teeth, fighting back another wave of calm, courtesy of Jasper. He looked at the faces of his family, all frozen in anxiety. Esme held Carlisle's hand tightly.

Edward snapped.

"You have no _idea_ of what it is like to live like this." He spoke in a low, quiet, deadly voice. "How can you, when you sit with your husband or your wife by your side? I would not wish for you to be separated from them by any means. I would not wish this pain—this _torture_—on any man or immortal." He paused for several moments. When he spoke again, his flat black eyes glittered with rage, and he glowered at his sister.

_Just go back to her, Edward._

"If it were that simple, _Alice Cullen_, do you honestly think that I would still be _here_? Without _her_?" His voice rose in volume as he continued to speak. Jasper's eyes widened at the use of his wife's full name.

"My heart has lain dormant for some eighty years, but when I met Bella, I felt as though it had started beating again. She awakened a part of me that I thought had been lost for eternity. Bella made me feel like a _man_, rather than the monster that I _really_ am."

His voice broke. He had to stop for a moment and catch his breath, regain his composure before he could go on in a broken whisper.

"And now, I—I feel like," and he placed a hand on his chest, "my heart has stopped beating all over again, and all that's left is the brittle shell that used to house something noble and right. And even _that_ has shattered now."

Edward was glaring at Alice now, unleashing full, raw emotion in his onyx eyes. He spoke in a low voice, full of authority.

"Don't you ever, _ever_ even _consider_ thinking that I don't love Bella. I love her with every fiber of my wretched being. All I want is for her to be safe, and I _swear_ to keep her safe, even if that means keeping her safe from my_self_."

The Cullens stared at him. Alice had nothing to say, but looked at him mournfully. Esme stepped forward and reached out to take his hand, hoping to fix some of his broken heart with simple pressure. Carlisle was right behind her, saying something gentle and supportive.

Alice gasped suddenly, eyes going blank. Naked surprise flashed across Edward's face as he, too, saw the vision. His face contorted and his lips pulled back in a hideous snarl.

"_Victoria._" He spat the name with rancor. He turned from his family and stalked out of the room, muttering, "I _will_ keep her safe."

He returned not a second later with jacket, wallet, keys in hand, black fury in his eyes. Esme was horrified.

"Where are you going?" Her voice was edged with near-panic.

"I'll be back by Christmas," he growled at her, and then stopped short, ashamed. His eyes softened just the tiniest bit as he looked at each of his family members in turn. "I promise."

He left then, slamming the door behind him. Alice verified his statement with a whisper. "He'll be back." Her lips trembled. Jasper took her in his arms. Esme turned and sobbed tearlessly into Carlisle's chest.

The frame of the house still trembled with Edward's pain and rage.

_Ah, perfecto! Poor Edward. I feel sorry for him even if I __**am**__ the one who wrote this. I hope I didn't mess up any of the timing as it was laid out in New Moon. If I did, I apologize. Until next time, _

_SweetSinger2010 _


End file.
